An Update from Me
Happy Thanksgiving Week, my friends!Â I know itâ€™s been a long while since youâ€™ve heard from me, which is very unusual.Â For those of you who have been with me since we started Digging Deeper back in 2008, youâ€™ve received this eColumn on a consistent basis for three consecutive years now.Â But with the exception of periodic Facebook updates, Iâ€™ve been completely silent for the past couple of months. Weâ€™ve always been here for each other, growing on this journey of life together, and Iâ€™ve missed our communication. Iâ€™ve come to consider you my extended familyâ€¦we donâ€™t always agree on everything, but we still love each other, and weâ€™re not going anywhere!
Well, Iâ€™m finally in a place where I can share, and I feel like I owe you a couple things.Â First, I want you to know how much I appreciate your patience.Â Iâ€™ve received questions and requests from some of you, and many of you have sent notes to my office checking on things.Â You have always been so loyal to me, and itâ€™s extremely encouraging to know you care.Â Because of your concern, your loyalty, and our commitment to each other, I would like to share an explanation of whatâ€™s been going on with me for the past few months.
This isnâ€™t easy for me to share.Â In fact, itâ€™s probably one of the hardest things Iâ€™ve ever hadÂ to do.Â This season has been one of the most challenging seasons of my entire life for many reasons, and having to go through it at all has been tough enough on its own, but mustering the courage and strength to share my valleys publicly has become another level of â€˜character developmentâ€™ that I wouldnâ€™t wish on anyone.Â If I could keep it all to myself for even longer and process it in my own time, I would be very tempted to do so.Â But the blend of my personal life and professional life makes it almost impossible to keep them completely separate, and since you are being indirectly affected by my personal life, I want to share with you at least enough to help you understand why Iâ€™ve been quiet recently.
As much as it pains me to say it, I am currently in the middle of a divorce.Â It should be complete by the end of next month.Â This is something I thought I would never experience in my entire life.Â Somewhere along the way, I internalized a belief that divorce is the one unforgivable sinâ€¦the one thing you just donâ€™t do.Â Divorce was always something that happened to other people, and I would feel sad for them from afar.Â I could never understand how a marriage could get to the point where walking away is the best option.Â So, as the reality of my situation began to settle in, I have had to battle all of these beliefs over the past several months.Â Iâ€™ve been on a roller-coaster ride of emotion, bouncing between heartache, overwhelming sadness, anger, guilt, the shame of failure, frustration, humiliation, disbelief, numbness, and exhaustion.
Iâ€™m also fighting my own inner demons of feeling like a failure and a hypocrite.Â No amount of gossip, scorn or criticism from anyone else could compare to the beating Iâ€™ve given myself.Â At least 5 or 6 times per day I hear a voice in my head throw a dagger to my heart, saying â€œHow can you dare coach other people to live a great life when yours is such a mess?â€ Iâ€™m not ready to talk about lessons learned.Â Iâ€™m not ready to talk about the journeyÂ God is taking me on right now.Â Iâ€™m not ready to talk about coming out on the other side better and stronger.Â Iâ€™m still in the middle of all of it.Â There are days when I think I can feel the hope of a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, and other days when I can barely breathe from the suffocation of pain.Â Iâ€™m heartbroken over the sad end of a 14-year journey, Iâ€™m heartbroken when I think of all the memories and amazing times, and Iâ€™m heartbroken for my sonâ€¦his life will be very different than the way I originally envisioned it.
But Iâ€™m also beginning to realize that while â€œdifferentâ€ can be terrifying, it can also be invigorating, freeing, and empowering.Â Itâ€™s forcing me to rethink my entire future, reexamine every belief, and really decide who I am. Â Not the person the world knows, not who my parents think I am, not what my career says I am, not what an online blog or some person who has never met me says about me online, not who my soon-to-be-ex-husband and his friends say I am, not who my old high school and college friends say I am, not who my colleagues and employees say I am, and certainly not the person Iâ€™ve settled for until now.
Who am I?Â Who does God want me to be?Â Who do I want to be when I grow up?Â And what on earth do I want to do with the rest of my life? Those are the questions Iâ€™m working on right now.Â Those are the questions that are consuming my thoughts at this season of my life.Â Getting to know myself again is an interesting processâ€¦itâ€™s amazing how lost we can become in our own life.Â We can get so caught up playing different roles that we lose our own true identity.
So, this Thanksgiving season will be a brand new experience for me.Â Iâ€™m thankful that Godâ€™s mercies are new every morning.Â Iâ€™m thankful for fresh starts and new beginnings.Â Iâ€™m thankful for my amazing family and support network.Â I certainly have a fresh sense of appreciation for single moms.Â Iâ€™m thankful that you are allowing me to be me.Â And Iâ€™m grateful that the darkest seasons of life can dawn into our best day ever.
While Iâ€™m in the midst of this cocooning process, Iâ€™m going to take a little break from Digging Deeper and our network.Â For the next couple of months, I wonâ€™t be offering new programs.Â Iâ€™ll continue with the current ones and Iâ€™ll continue working with my private clients on their different direct sales businesses. Â On a side note, let me quickly share how much I have loved working with these men and women over the past few monthsâ€¦you have helped me appreciate all over again the refreshing power of boundaries, and you have held me accountable to practice in my own life the lessons Iâ€™ve been preaching all this time.Â On days when I havenâ€™t wanted to do anything but mope around and feel sorry for myself, you have been my fuel to suck it up and pull it together.Â Youâ€™ve reminded me that you really can negotiate with your body and mind to find more strength.Â And youâ€™ve reminded me that a champion is someone who gets up even when he canâ€™t.Â Thank you for holding me to a higher standard than I would have insisted on from myself.
Iâ€™ll stay in touch through Facebook, and Iâ€™ll come back after the New Year with an update on my plans for 2012.Â I genuinely hope that we can once again partner on our journey of life together at that point.
A quick note to the members of our Digging Deeper Community: Iâ€™ll have a special update for you inside the Community later today, and I think youâ€™ll be very excited about what Iâ€™ll share!
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